Willpower Isn't Enough (But You Knew That Already, Right?)
Why achieving something good, or escaping something mediocre takes more than grit
A couple of weeks ago, after vainly convincing myself I was somehow invulnerable, I finally contracted covid for the first time. It wasn’t as bad as I expected - possibly thanks to the vaccine, or maybe because it’s ‘just a cold’ … we’ll never know.
I’ve been back to ‘normal’ for a week now, trying to work, exercise and eat normally once again, not pampering myself with regular snacks and regular naps. I’m here to tell you - it’s hard to do.
Getting back to normal habits and routines after letting standards slip for a while is bloody difficult. This is a dance I do often - annually at Christmas, and at least once per year after a vacation. I always forget how much harder it’ll be to pick up positive habits again, than it was to lose them.
It reminds me of the fact (and it is a fact); doing something positive that you don’t necessarily deeply want to do takes far more than the will to do it alone.
The power of sheer will (or ‘willpower’ as you blatantly know) is not enough to persuade ourselves to do - well - very much at all.
Here’s how I see it.
I’ve got willpower in spades
I hope that those who know me best would include commitment and willpower as two of my more admirable traits.
I’m by no means a polymath or an over-achiever. I’m not famous for anything I’ve done, nor am I noted as an authority figure on anything much at all.
What I’ve demonstrated consistently throughout my life is a desire to make the best job I could, of everything I’ve ever committed to do.
Indulge me for a moment as I provide a few examples to illustrate this bold claim.
If you stick around, I’ll also share what it is that I think makes it all possible (spoiler - it’s not just willpower).
Very average
I certainly haven’t mastered everything that I’ve started. I was a mediocre skateboarder as a kid, a supporting musician rather than a soloist in my school band and I never progressed beyond my white belt in Judo.
As an adult there’ve been plenty of false-starts and misadventures in my career and my financial management. As a veteran of one divorce and one failed engagement I’ve got a history of relationship failures too.
But when I consider the things I’ve achieved, it’s usually down to one thing. When I commit to something - truly commit to it - I do so whole-heartedly and vigorously. It’s not that I’m superhuman or anything. I just hate to fail, or let others (or myself) down by quitting.
My determination to do my best is unfaltering. My resolve to stick to a course of action, unshakeable. My inability to give up, often bordering on a weakness.
Some might call this tenacity. Others label it willpower.
Parenting
For example, in spite of divorcing from my first wife when our daughters were aged just six and three we both committed to play an equal part in their raising. I’ve co-parented them for alternate weeks since, an arrangement that’s seen the elder graduate from university and live independently. The younger is at university now too - the nest is well and truly empty (and FYI - it sucks).
The arrangement we committed to for raising our kids in spite of us parting remained in place even after I remarried, meaning I lived apart from my second wife for alternate weeks. I stuck by that commitment, raising my daughters for half the time even though it wasn’t easy at times (for any of us).
Some might say “no big deal” - it was your duty. Maybe so, but I don’t know of many others in a similar situation who have done the same. None in fact.
Work
I’ve pushed myself to build what feels like a challenging and successful career by most conventional measures. At the same time I could have got complacent or settled when times got tough and morale was low. In spite of that, I pushed myself onwards, out of my comfort zone and took on more responsibility and further projects when I felt least like it.
I recognised that IT project management was a soul-less existence with little opportunity for expression of creativity and so built a ‘side-hustle’ centred around writing. That took years of work and a lot of time to gain traction but something in me refused to give in, even though I felt like doing so - often.
Self
I’ve embraced personal development as a means of finding the secret sauce that was missing from my life. My goal in this remains to become the best version of myself that I could be - for me and for those I love. It’s been uncomfortable, not least for the personal demons I’ve encountered and confronted along the way.
Through persistence and devotion I’ve established a new way of life that (mostly) feels congruent with my personal values. I’m a better version of me, if not yet the ‘best’ version, and that’s something I guess.
Health
I’ve experimented with various diet and exercise programs in the hope of maximising my fitness and health. While my commitment and consistency has wavered at times, many of the principles have endured for the long term and have become engrained as part of my lifestyle for years now.
My overall commitment to healthy living has endured and I genuinely believe my forties have been the most consistently-healthy decade of my entire life. It’s just a shame I didn’t do this earlier in life when I was more resilient to injury and less prone to creaks and pains. But it is what it is.
Is it willpower?
Each has demanded commitment, tenacity and what many would describe as willpower.
I would have credited willpower as the significant factor too, until I read this excellent article by a writer called Benjamin Hardy. You may know him?
It shifted my perspective and made me realise there’s another side to it.
It‘s not just that I’m blessed to be able to exert willpower in the face of adversity or challenging goals.
Instead, it’s that when I commit to something about which I’m passionate and determined, I’ve internally made a decision that I’m going to make it stick, and stick for good.
“Decision is the opposite of willpower, because willpower means you never actually decided and you never shaped an environment to facilitate that choice. Willpower means you never trained your desires and you never reshaped your brain and identity to match those desires. In other words, if you have willpower in your life, it means you’re still battling your old self, and you haven’t made a true decision about what you are and what you’re about. It becomes much easier to say “no” when you’ve made a real decision.”
-Benjamin Hardy
Good, eh? Read it again (it’s worth it).
Decisions banish the demons
I found that idea so illuminating as far as the role and purpose of willpower.
It explains how willpower shows up in our lives too. It would seem I’m nothing special, deep down - I’m just prone to ‘deciding’ to throw myself into accomplishing certain things. A subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless.
When you decide to commit to something at a deep and intrinsic level, you know within your bones that you’re sufficiently invested in it to see it through to its conclusion.
If you’ve decided you’re intent on doing or achieving something, your efforts towards its accomplishment become part of who you are. Willpower is immediately redundant since your decision to make something happen has been made with conviction. You don’t need to overcome internal resistance since you’re committed to ‘the thing’, not fighting inner demons who want to pull you in the other direction.
Willpower / Grit / Discipline - not the same things
It’s tempting to think of willpower, determination, grit and discipline as being synonymous with each other. I’ve realised that as they apply to my own life they aren’t the same.
Each fulfils a discrete and unique (if, somewhat-related) role:
The DECISION to do something, to pursue a goal or to live in a particular way equips me with the determination to achieve it.
DISCIPLINE helps me to form the habits needed to deliver on the decision, to practice them relentlessly, day-in and day-out as I work to achieve my goal.
GRIT is the mentality, the mindset and the tenacity that helps me deal with the inevitable setbacks (like overcoming Covid, Christmas or a summer vacation spent sipping beer on a sunbed). Grit helps me to put in the hard-yards and to do what needs to be done ahead of what I’d like to do.
WILLPOWER is occasionally required when my determination is waning, when it feels tempting to give up the fight and when the easy path seems appealing compared to the route I’ve decided to follow.
Willpower certainly plays its part but in my case at least, its role is minimal.
Following some introspection prompted by Benjamin Hardy’s thoughts, it now seems plain to me that where we go wrong in the face of challenging circumstances from time-to-time is in believing that willpower alone is what is required.
High standards matter
In addition to being decisive about goals, having the discipline and the grit to tough it out, another key that’s essential for minimising my reliance on willpower, is the STANDARDS that I hold for myself and which I measure myself against.
“If you want to change your life, you have to raise your standards.”
-Tony Robbins
Our standards establish the clear parameters in our minds for what we expect of ourselves and from others. If our standards are lowly, our expectations of ourselves are minimal and our underlying belief is that what we receive in life will be fundamentally disappointing, hard-fought, scarce or difficult to achieve.
With our standards set as such, chances are that we will go on to prove ourselves right. Our efforts will be minimal and the results, correspondingly disappointing.
Be careful what you accept (from yourself)
I’ve learned that it’s essential to hold myself to high standards if I’m to be genuinely happy with the outcomes that I get from my efforts.
Refusing to accept a half-assed effort from myself in relation to anything that I care about is essential if I’m not to spend my life feeling perpetually disappointed and frustrated. The same holds in relation to standards for my kids, in my relationships, my career and personal goals, my health and fitness and anything else that matters.
These standards become he benchmark against which all efforts, actions and results are measured on any given day.
Willpower matters, but…
Willpower is important, but mainly when we’ve not committed wholly and fully to a decision, when our standards aren’t aligned with our goals and we’re not disciplined enough to follow-through with the necessary action.
The need for willpower surfaces when other elements in this formula are missing.
We look at our finances and believe that we must resist the urge to spend money on things we don’t need to impress people whose opinions we don’t care about. We believe this will take willpower to do.
We consider a diet regime and believe that we’ll need willpower to overcome the feelings of denial as we’re forced to give up our favourite foods.
A new exercise programme looks good on paper but when it’s time to get up early to go the gym and put in the sweaty hours, we believe willpower will be the key that unlocks the results.
We want to get back to creative pursuits, to spend more time reading and writing rather than mindlessly doom-scrolling. mustering the willpower to put down the smartphone seems essential.
In our relationship we try to summon willpower to avoid the petty-arguments and spiteful bickering that can slowly eat away when things stagnate.
Willpower seems necessary to prioritise life-admin, to spend more time playing with our kids or to do work within our community rather than simply relaxing on the sofa in our sweatpants and watching Netflix.
In each scenario, willpower may undoubtedly play a part, but it’s more likely to be needed if we haven’t made a committed decision to do what has to be done, and elevated our standards accordingly. When these are lacking, even those with immense willpower may find harder to succeed.
Returning to my life right now, perhaps it’s the case then that rather than lacking willpower, I’ve just not made that committed decision to get back to living my best pre-covid life, rather than eating endless peanut-butter sandwiches while watching Netflix.
Time to raise those standards once again.
If you liked this essay, you might enjoy a recent one on other ways to change your life (according to a controversial clinical psychologist):